Side Effects
by EdwardPlusPandasEqualMe
Summary: Emmett decides that his life could use some action, so he decides to take on one characteristic usually accepted in vampires: the inability to sleep. Fun, satirical oneshot.


A/N: Please wait until the end

A/N: Please wait until the end. The end makes it all worth it, I promise!

Emmett's POV:

Life wasn't interesting enough anymore. It was just a lull of boring. I mean, sure, there was always Rose, but she was such a constant in my life that while she wasn't _boring_, she was expected. I was in a rut – a rut that involved Edward and Bella getting ridiculously gooey on a daily basis. Example:

Edward: You're so beautiful, Bella.

Bella: (_blushing, eyes downcast_) Thanks, Edward. But I still don't get where you're coming from.

Edward: Just look in the mirror, love. Then you'll see.

Awwww. But it gets old. And old gets irritating. Really irritating. Even Bella's inadvertent slapstick comedy was beginning to lose its appeal. Bella trips! Bella falls! . Edward is overprotective! He rushes to Bella's side! "I should have been here, love!" he sobs tearlessly. "I'm so sorry." Again. And again. As enjoyable as it was to see Edward sob, after a while he just looked stupid. So I figured that the family needed some action. Maybe even some comic relief. And I was just the vampire for the job.

Third person POV:

Emmett came up with a plan. An altogether ridiculous plan, but a plan nonetheless. He changed plans often, though, in an attempt to keep it secret, even from the psychic members of the family. So one day, when everyone (including Bella) was at the house, Emmett decided to make his plans known.

Alice gasped.

Then she and Edward exchanged glances and started to laugh hysterically. Emmett struggled to make himself heard over the din.

"I'm going to figure out how to sleep," he announced.

Alice and Edward continued laughing, Rosalie snorted, Bella looked confused, Jasper looked mildly alarmed, Esme looked even more motherly than usual, and Carlisle looked hot. And concerned.

"We don't sleep, dear. We're vampires," Esme said.

"I know. I'm not quite the imbecile that multiple people (including this author) are making me out to be. But maybe we don't sleep because of lack of effort. Think about it. Have you ever really tried to sleep?"

"Yes" was the immediate response from the six vampires.

"Then you obviously weren't trying hard enough."

"How exactly do you plan on sleeping? Other than sheer willpower?" Edward asked for the sake of the others.

"I'm not quite sure. I'm debating between several possibilities, but don't worry. I _will_ succeed."

Everyone rolled their eyes simultaneously, which made Emmett feel very patronized indeed.

--

That night, Emmett went to his local drugstore. He saw a box labeled Ambien CR. He recalled one of its commercials. Much better than that idiotic little butterfly. He bought the Ambien and wondered whether butterflies have any blood, and whether it would be possible to drink from one. But that was an adventure for another day.

Night fell. Emmett was beginning to feel nervous. Who knew the effect that the medicine would have on him?

Alice did, of course.

"So, should I do it?"

"Yep. Nothing but good will come from this." Edward, who was nearby, heartily nodded his head.

Emmett swallowed the pill, unaware of what the next hours would hold. He felt less energetic than usual, then less…then…nothing.

The next thing Emmett was aware of was a feeling of immense satisfaction. The thing after that was Mike Newton's mutilated, bloodless body on the floor. "Damn!" he swore. "Edward! Alice!" They appeared within seconds, grinning absurdly.

"How could you let me do this?! I just killed somebody!"

"Yeah, but that somebody was Mike Newton. Apparently nobody liked him," shrugged Alice.

"What about his mother?"

"Couldn't stand the kid. She'll put on a good show, but inside she'll be positively gleeful. Believe me, I know," said Edward, tapping his forehead.

"Oh…ok. Well, what about the treaty? What do the wolves think?"

"That you did the world a favor. They all thought he was pretty obnoxious. Bella got it all straightened out this morning."

"So…"

"So what?"

"So what happened to me?"

Edward smirked. "You went into a trancelike state, not unlike what Alice goes through with her visions. You were out for about six hours, during which time you experienced an unusual side effect of Ambien known as sleep-eating. Humans wake up and find candy wrappers in their beds. They have no recollection of the event."

"Well, they should really put that in bigger print on the box."

A/N: Please, please review! And I know that none of this makes any medical sense; it's just a ridiculous concept that I thought would make a fun fanfiction.


End file.
